took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Houston, we have a blender
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
