I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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