I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can you bring me the toilet please
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
