my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have feelings that need drinking.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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