I need to stop coming to work sober
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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