Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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