Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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