Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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