His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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