he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
