Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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