Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
