Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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