I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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