Me. At least after what I've been through.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
