remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
