i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
