You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
