Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
