So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
