You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Soap is not a condiment
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
