My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize