i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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