Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Enjoy the penises
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
