Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
