Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
