Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
