What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
