We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
