I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
