literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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