if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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