A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
