Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
