Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
