I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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