Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
