guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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