have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
