mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
