I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
