This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
there is glitter all over my balls
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
