Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
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