There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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