Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
