When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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