Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
