my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
