There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize