Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
