Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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