my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize