Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
